Why Do People Seek Revenge?

A study was conducted to examine whether revenge in humans is an innate tendency. Researchers tested 330 children aged four to eight years old through a two-phase game.

In the first phase, four other “players” (actually computer-controlled avatars) received stickers, and one player gave a sticker to the child. Then, the roles were reversed, and the child had the opportunity to give a sticker to any player.

In the second phase, one player stole a sticker from the child, and then the child had the chance to steal a sticker from another player.

The findings showed that children were quick to retaliate against those who stole their stickers but did not exhibit a tendency to reward those who had given them stickers. This suggests that the drive for revenge is more inherent or develops earlier than the inclination to reciprocate kindness.

It shows how revenge is a natural tendency in humans. This phenomenon is described in Kabbalistic texts as “efsed mi karen” (loss from the fund).

Let us say that I had a dollar in my pocket, and suddenly, it was gone. I would twist and turn, wondering, “Where could it have gone?” I would search for it as if my life depended on it. Why? It is because it was mine, I had it, and now it has gone. That loss feels greater than the value of the dollar itself. It feels like I have lost twenty dollars. This is how human nature perceives loss.

The same applies to harm inflicted by others. If someone harms me, I perceive the act as ten times worse than the reality of the harm itself. The magnitude of their negative attitude toward me seems much greater than what was actually done.

Why, then, do we not show gratitude as strongly as we seek revenge? It is because we naturally think we deserve goodness. From birth, we are told by our mothers that we are the best in the world, that we are special. When someone gives us something, we accept it as something owed to us. We might say a quick “thank you,” but in our minds, we are merely receiving what we think we deserve. However, when something is taken from us, it feels like an injustice of tenfold magnitude.

That is why children instinctively seek revenge. If someone wrongs them, they feel an intense drive to retaliate and even take pleasure in doing so. I understand this well because I, too, was like that as a child. I remember these moments vividly.

What changed in me? Why did I stop seeking revenge? I realized that we all share a common desire, that harming another is ultimately harming myself.

This understanding led me to approach life differently. It is better to yield, to step back, and to avoid unnecessary conflicts. This approach brings peace and a sense of security, ensuring that at least those around me remain neutral or positive toward me. The key is to be mindful not to harm others. If harm is done, however, one must be prepared for the inevitable consequences.

Some people hold the view that revenge is always a choice between the desire for retaliation and the opportunity to forgive. But who really has the “opportunity to forgive”? Often, revenge is avoided not out of moral superiority but out of helplessness. Perhaps the person seeking revenge is weaker, unable to act, or simply forgets over time. Man, by nature, is a selfish little creature. If given the chance, he will devour another.

However, what is more important is whether we can find a positive use for our innate vengeful quality. If we can use this quality that makes us vengeful correctly, then it ceases to be revenge and becomes a form of education.

How does this work? If two people play a game of chess, for instance, and one consistently outplays the other, then the player being outplayed might not feel that they are being harmed. Instead, they could recognize that the better player is teaching them. However, they would still feel uncomfortable because the winning player is better at the game. The feeling of inferiority lingers, even without malice.

So how do we shift from petty revenge to a greater motivation for growth? How do we move beyond score-settling to genuine improvement? We need to make a different kind of calculation. Suppose someone wishes to see me fail, to see me poor or broken. True victory lies in reaching a state where that person becomes envious of my success. Instead of wasting energy on retaliation, I should focus on rising above, becoming stronger, more successful, and wiser. That alone serves as the ultimate response.

Even more so, I should recognize that the harm done to me was actually beneficial. Without realizing it, my adversary pushed me forward, forcing me to grow. In hindsight, I should say, “Thank you for doing this to me!”

This realization transforms revenge into an educational process. The one who sought to harm me now sees that I have risen above, and he finds himself beneath me. And when I tell him, “I hope you, too, can rise above yourself as I have,” that is the true knockout punch. In this, there is indeed a “thrill in battle.”

Based on KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” with Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman on November 4, 2019. Written/edited by students of Kabbalist Dr. Michael Laitman.

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